July 21st, 2015 Window Of Vulnerability

July 21st, 2015 Window Of Vulnerability

I finally felt like I was getting back into my groove today. I didn't realize how much I had altered it until yesterday. Then, I dropped in bed earlier than normal and ended up tossing and turning (I never do that!!). I did get more sleep than normal, but by midday today I was fairly wrecked and in need of a nap. I took one. It was good.

My workout at the YMCA this afternoon, before my Tuesday night support group call, was actually a goal of mine: Get workout in before call. I not only got the workout in, I grabbed a few household items at the store afterward, before heading home for the call.

The main question tonight: What's your "window of vulnerability" each day? It differs from person to person. It's the time of day or night when you feel most challenged in keeping the integrity of your plan intact.

Mine has always been later at night, before bed. My plan to combat this vulnerability:

I make sure to keep calories in the budget for my #lastfoodofday. I also don't limit what time I can eat this snack. Even if it's after midnight, #lastfoodofday is happening. Also, the accountability of tweeting my #lastfoodofday is like a time controlled vault to me. Once it's posted, the vault locks and doesn't reopen until the next morning. It's as if my nighttime eating hasn't ever stopped, it's just planned, structured and held accountable. And it's supported by whoever sees it. I don't need to know who or how many. The dynamic is strong when I allow my imagination to assume there's an audience. That's an accountability/support dynamic that works wonders.

Have you identified your "window of vulnerability?" Most of us have stretches of time each day where we're solid. From the time I get up until mid-afternoon, I'm as strong and solid as ever. Then, as the late afternoon rolls around and we get later into the night, it becomes more challenging. The more I do in support of my goals, the easier it is to make it through. Did I workout? Did I hit my water goal? Did I actively participate in support, giving and receiving? When I make these things important and I put forth the effort, I get wonderful returns mentally, emotionally and physically.

Identifying your window of vulnerability is all about increasing your self-awareness, enabling you to put some focus and attention on things you can do to help strengthen this more challenging time frame each day.

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One of my new headshots, this time with black background. I like the semi-smile/grin. The other headshot had more of a serious/intense glare.

I did some body strength weight training tonight! Yes--right here in my apartment and on my balcony. I did push-ups against the rail of my balcony, wall sits in my entry way and squats in my living room. It wasn't hard. It was just one of those things, I had to do it once. Now I can expand on this and get creative. I look around and see all kinds of home workout ideas. I have a staircase that leads up to my apartment. I'm not looking to replace anything I'm doing--this is just something to enhance everything. The strength training is critically important. I look forward to expanding it into a nice, consistent, solid part of my workouts every week.

Headed to bed now. I plan on picking up my grandson tomorrow afternoon for a visit. I'm looking forward to taking him to the splash pad at the park! Fun!!

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
di

July 20th, 2015 Earlier Than Normal

July 20th, 2015 Earlier Than Normal

I need more rest. I'm exhausted tonight. Opting to go to bed early for me-- about two hours earlier than normal. I'll catch up with blog writing tomorrow night.

My Tweets Today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
di

July 19th, 2015 Mostly Tweets

July 19th, 2015 Mostly Tweets

After a long day, I'm opting for a "mostly Tweets" kind of post.

It was an awesome day. We closed out Dog Sees God: Confessions of A Teenage Blockhead with two performances. After the late performance, we all hung around a little while, put the set into the wings and said our goodbyes to one another. I have mixed emotions. I absolutely love acting and the opportunity to be in this show with an amazing cast of experienced actors, was one I just couldn't pass up. I'm glad I did it. It filled me with immense joy. Now, I'm looking forward to getting my workout schedule back to a consistent one.

I managed my food much better today. No late night dinner this time! Goodnight, and thank you for your wonderful support!

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
di

July 18th, 2015 The Extended Reply

July 18th, 2015 The Extended Reply

One of my main goals today was to get into the YMCA for a good workout. I did that. I'll tell you, having dramatically decreased the frequency of my workouts in the last two weeks, I felt the consequence. Level 19 on the elliptical felt more challenging than before. I powered through it and made it, but wow--it wasn't easy.

I'm absolutely loving the play I'm in, but as much as I hate to see it end Sunday night, I'm looking forward to getting back into my consistent exercise routine. Could I have done more than I have over the course of this schedule? Probably. But I'm okay with it all--it's fine. I'm fine. 

I didn't manage my food very well today, as you'll see in the Tweets. I left 141 calories on the table, finishing the day with 1,651...and that was with a very, VERY late dinner. I'm also staying up excessively late, so it's not as bad as it seems. Having dinner at midnight and going to bed at 3am is the equivalent of having dinner at 8pm and going to bed at 11pm. Still, I don't recommend it at all. I just got home too late. I almost opted to eat dinner out, again--but I had a dinner in mind at home, a good one, it just took some time to prepare and cook.

I'll sleep in tomorrow (or today) and I'll do my best to find the right space between meals. It helps that we have two performances of the play tomorrow, at 2 and 8pm. That means two bananas and two servings of almonds during the performances. I may up the almonds to 43 grams and add some cheese and make the late show cafeteria scene my evening meal. I've certainly done that before (the banana, almonds and cheese thing as a meal), in a pinch.

Sometimes the comments and replies section becomes longer than the actual blog post to which it's attached. I can't seem to help myself, sometimes. I'm passionate about sharing these things and brevity has never been my strong suit.

I am also blessed to have some very loyal readers and when someone who has given me so much support in their readership and thoughtful comments, expresses words of struggle within their own trek, I want to give them a thorough reply. I'm just not a short and sweet "well, hang in there" kind of guy, I suppose.

And when I take the time to write an extended reply to a comment, I sometimes wonder if the person I'm replying to will even see it. Sometimes the comment reply is longer than a typical blog post. I'm sharing this exchange from last night's blog comments section:

Comment from a loyal reader:

"I have never been able to not go off the wagon with food choices when I'm out of my routine. Say like a birthday, holiday, etc....and the much bigger problem for me is it's an opportunity to go nuts for a few days after that too. It takes that long for me to reel myself back in. Or another one is something happens to me that upsets me and I've always used food to numb myself. I can't figure out how not to. So what I'm saying in the long version is how do I gain those tools? It's just not happening for me."

My reply:

Thank you for sharing your struggle. You're not alone.

One thing that's helped me is making sure my plan is something I enjoy--in other words, I'm loving the foods I "get" to eat, everyday. It isn't something I dread. What happens is, when my perception and expectation of what it means for me to be "on plan," is something I can easily live with, I'm less likely inclined to take a vacation or holiday, from it. There's no desire to flee from deprivation into an anything goes type situation--because I don't feel deprived.

Now-- here's the rub:

Even with this "I'm loving it" plan in place, what you described still happens... 

My abstinence from refined sugar may have very well turned off the "binge switch," those biochemical reactions in the addictive part of my brain--but what it doesn't stop is, my natural inclination to seek comfort in excess food when times get stressful and emotional. It takes a separate action plan to deal with that.

And it doesn't stop it to simply say, "excess food doesn't solve anything--it doesn't help resolve issues--it isn't a fixer--it's simply a temporary diversion--a distraction from our real experiences..." Does it help? The only help it provides is that temporary distraction from whatever is weighing heavy on our minds at any given moment. BUT AGAIN-- saying that, processing it, agreeing with it 100%, still doesn't stop the tendency to dive in when we're feeling those things.


One thing to remember: Feelings have a beginning and an end. Whatever it is, will come and go--weigh heavy, then subside--be on the forefront of your consciousness and then fade back into your sub-consciousness. When you're feeling like buffering your emotions with food--remember that this will pass...the moment will evolve and change...and in the meantime, while it's pressing: Find support asap!!!!

This is the most critical element I've discovered along my path: Building your support and accountability structure is imperative to your success. Find someone to be a support text buddy/friend. When those feelings start welling up and the obsessive food thoughts come flowing into your head--tell on 'em!!! Don't keep them exclusively in your head--because if you do, they'll typically win, almost every time. 

Share what you're thinking--get it out in the open...When you "tell on 'em," it has a powerful effect.

What happens when a playground bully is exposed to authority figures? They typically turn into little angels. Same dynamic. When we expose those thoughts by bringing in our "support team," something powerful happens---suddenly we're not facing it alone...suddenly our resolve to maintain the integrity of our plan is strengthened--often times, just in the nick of time.

The other day--Wednesday, did you read that post? When I called Gerri for spot support--I was on the brink of a meltdown. It doesn't matter how much success I've had--I am NEVER immune to relapse.

I fully believe, had I not reached out when I did, I could have and would have easily tried to fix things with food. The damage would have been minimal on a physical level--and crushing on a mental/emotional level (edit: And that could have very well led to physical damage during the struggle of trying to get back on track).

I was walking a tightrope--and the support call was the platform and rail I needed to restore my stability.

If you don't have a support system, make a point to create one. If you do not have anyone close to you who would appreciate this kind of mutual support--then explore other support/accountability options. OA has free meetings via phone, where you can connect with people who understand exactly what you're experiencing.

Also, explore your accountability measures. As you know--my accountability level is set super high. My tweets and this blog might be considered "extreme" accountability--but you know what? Its level of accountability is as high as I needed and continue to need in order to maintain my positive progress.

What's interesting to me is when someone comments on how strong and consistent I am---because trust me, if you stripped away my support system network and my accountability measures, I'd likely be eating my way back to 500 pounds. That's no joke. 

And if this is how I maintain a healthy body weight for the rest of my life, then I must make sure I'm making it something I enjoy doing...the food and exercise--I can make it things I love and thoroughly enjoy, sure. Those two things are the least of it along this road.


The toughest issues are the ones you've shared. I hope what I've shared with you here, helps.

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and for your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
di

July 17th, 2015 Once Upon A Time

July 17th, 2015 Once Upon A Time

Today was one of those days when an extra pause to express gratitude is in order. I loved today. I'm immensely blessed to be able to do something for a living that I thoroughly enjoy while utilizing my talents and passions. All of those elements were present at my heaviest--a job where I'm allowed to be creative on the radio and exercise my natural abilities and passion for communicating--I've been doing it since I was sixteen years old. The difference isn't in what I'm doing every day, the difference is now, I'm actually making a point to recognize and express gratitude for the wonderful blessings in my life. If one is blessed but doesn't recognize it, are they still blessed? If it's not acknowledged and appreciated then they never experience the comfort and peace those blessings bring. Shutting it out and opting for a less grateful perspective was something I was really good at doing once upon a time.

Gratitude is a part of this recovery process for me. Slowing down long enough to shift my perspective to a more positive one has enabled me to experience epiphanies I wouldn't have otherwise.

The schedule today wasn't too much. I found a nap time before getting ready for tonight's performance of the play. The play was a wonderful success again tonight! I opted to postpone dinner until the cast and crew party at our local Ground Round Grill and Bar. I played with the idea of having an alcoholic drink as long as I found something refined sugar free, but then I decided to use those calories on food instead. I blasted past my minimum daily water goal of 64 ounces, consuming 64 ounces at the cast party alone!

There's so much more I wanted to write about tonight, but I'll wait until tomorrow night. It's super late. The good news is, my Saturday schedule is fairly clear. I can sleep in and believe me, I plan on it!!

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The cast photo of Dog Sees God: Confessions of A Teenage Blockhead with corporate sponsor Roy Pemberton in the center and director Chris Williams over his left shoulder. Cast members include: Colt Smith, Ashley Clark, Morgan Ham, Andrea Storm, Gina Soucek, Stephen Long and Edward Dixon.

I'm not sure I've ever looked forward to a good workout like I'm looking forward to my trip to the YMCA tomorrow. I've allowed myself to cut way back on workouts throughout the rehearsal process of this show and now we're down to the final three performances--so it's time to get back into my consistent exercise routine/schedule.

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
di

July 16th, 2015 Harvesting Hope

July 16th, 2015 Harvesting Hope

It's Throwback Thursday...
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It wasn't really that long ago. I hated pictures as much as I hated mirrors. Actually, I hated pictures even more. At least I could avoid mirrors and reflections. Pictures simply show it, the fake-half smile, the general look of misery--the uncomfortable moments when someone pulls out the camera and here we go again, more photos I hope I never see.

My perspective has changed. I can look at this photo and see beyond the physical. The core elements of who I am existed in that physical version of me the same as they do today at 230 pounds. But I was miserable at that weight, not just because of the obvious physical limitations. I was also miserable from the constant self-hatred, the always holding myself down and the ignoring of the good in exchange for a constant self-loathing. I don't want to go back, ever. And I don't exclusively mean physically. I don't want to ever go back to that way of treating myself in such a constantly negative way.

For me, taking care each day means far more than minding a calorie budget, exercising and abstaining from sugar. It also means making a conscious effort to feel good about me, as a person. This kindness we extend to ourselves is needed regardless of our weight. We can lose incredible amounts of weight and still not like ourselves. Treating ourselves with self-loathing and contempt and wondering why the weight loss didn't magically fix that, too, is a very common thing. I've been there, my friend.

My worth, your worth--it isn't something determined by the size we see in pictures. Our worth is determined by all the unseen things in our hearts and minds. Just as I challenge myself each day to find and nourish the constant, inherent good, I challenge you to do the same.  

Every now and then I like to go back into the archives and read what was happening exactly one year prior. What was I writing about one year ago today? Here's an extended excerpt from July 16th, 2014:

I really feel like I'm into a solid groove these days. I've found a balance. I've had more than 80 days without eating straight sugar, I've written eighty-four consecutive daily blog posts, I'm approaching 100 days binge free, I've exercised regularly and I'm eating better than I have in my entire life. I must pause occasionally and express incredible gratitude for this dramatic turnaround. I say a prayer every day that this balance maintains and everyday it feels like it's here forever. Yet, I know better than to ever settle or relax my stance with an attitude of "I got this."

I was in a very dark place with all of this not too long before and on more than one occasion entertained the thought that I should possibly just let it all go. The weight, my health, my hopes and dreams--all of it, just let it go. I gave it serious thought. Delete the blog, get off Facebook and convince Amazon and every other book seller to stop selling my book. I was losing the fight and about to throw in the towel...but I couldn't do it. I kept getting messages from people, some just discovering my book and/or blog--and the messages were overwhelmingly positive about how my story was helping them with theirs. When an in-patient food addiction treatment center replied to my inquiry about rates and a possible stay, I grew even more depressed. It was going to cost $14,000 for a 30 day stay. I couldn't afford it, but I couldn't afford to stay out of control, unless I was willing to let it all go.

People would still love me, my kids, my mom--family and friends, they would hurt for me, but their love and support would never go away. Perhaps I wanted too much, to be free? Maybe living at a healthy weight wasn't meant to be? Simply not caring would possibly be easier, I thought, but I was wrong. Not caring would be easier in the day to day actions but impossible for me to accept in the bigger picture.

What was most damaging to my psyche was the misalignment between my actions and the public persona I felt I needed to maintain during my deepest and darkest struggles. I wouldn't allow myself a shred of self-compassion over this, brutalizing myself constantly with negative thoughts and actions. Through it all, surprisingly, I never lost the ability to genuinely encourage, support and give fantastic advice to others, but at the same time, finding my balance personally felt a million miles away.

To be where I am today is miraculous to me. It's been a very quick turnaround complete with epiphanies that will forever affect my life in positive ways. My hopes and dreams are alive and well. I'm comfortably on my way back to my healthiest weight. And most importantly, I've learned valuable lessons I needed to experience in order to live my best life, for the rest of my life. I'm still learning. Had I never faced the struggle of the regain and all of the emotions and negative energy in that direction, I wouldn't have felt as prepared as I feel I am today.

I didn't give up. I almost did. But I didn't. I could have closed the curtain on that deal a long time ago, but I was constantly being shown the light peeking through, calling me toward it. I have so many blessings to be thankful for these days. There's always light. Even on the darkest day the sun is shining on the other side.

There's a lot of hope to be harvested.

Today was good. I took care. I made sure to get a nap. I took some time to catch up on the incredible comments over the last few days (thank you for the incredible support!) And I prepared three good meals, too.

I celebrated my love for the creative arts by acting in a play. It was opening night. I had opening night jitters and my performance wasn't bad, but could have been better. I'm looking forward for my chance to hit a nice groove in the next four performances of this very limited run of Dog Sees God: Confessions of A Teenage Blockhead. I wish you could see it. It's a great play.

I did some light body strength exercises prior to the start of tonight's performance. I'm loving being a part of this production, and I'm not trying to rush it--but I am looking forward to getting back into a more consistent exercise schedule and more specifically, a more aggressive strength training routine. I did some reading this afternoon about body weight strength training and the difference that is possible in a very short amount of time. It truly has me excited about my physical fitness.

A reader known simply as "M." offered this on last night's weigh day post: "...goal is a weight and maintenance is a range."

Very true. Excellent perspective.

My Tweets Today:
























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
di

July 15th, 2015 With A Little Help From My Friends

July 15th, 2015 With A Little Help From My Friends

At least I was already aware of the potential challenges of today. It didn't surprise me at all. I've been voluntarily and intentionally burning the candle at both ends, but today wasn't a good day to approach without enough rest. A colleague of mine is on vacation and just as her responsibilities increase when I'm gone, my responsibilities increase when she's gone. Add to that a midday four hour location broadcast. Add to that a weigh day...and it quickly became unstable.

I don't eat breakfast before weighing at the doctor's office. It probably makes a minuscule difference and perhaps I'm slightly obsessive, but I just will not eat before weigh-in. I'll drink my coffee, that's it. I did prepare some food for immediately after the scale.

My location broadcast was set to start at 10am and I didn't get away from the studio and after-show duties until 9:35am. I had to drive to where we store the station vehicle, pick it up and get into the doctor's office (luckily they're very fast about allowing me in and out quickly on weigh day), then to the broadcast by at least 9:55am. I pulled in at 9:57am. The stress of this time crunch was a little much. I probably should have postponed weigh day until tomorrow. In hindsight, it would have been completely appropriate, considering the circumstances. I certainly wasn't going to wait until after 2pm to weigh-in. I was hungry!

I set up, greeted the client and was met with jaws dropped over my transformation. I regularly voice and produce their radio commercials and I talent their location broadcasts, but I rarely see them in person. It had been awhile, obviously. The client, with a big smile, asked, "Where did you go?" I replied with a simple, "Thank you, I feel better than ever." "You look great." "I feel great, thank you." 

I made my way back to the broadcast truck and prepared my makeshift breakfast. It wasn't my usual omelet and fruit, but it worked in a pinch. The rest of the broadcast went well. It was a busy one, broadcasting on two separate radio stations--switching back and forth throughout the four hours, with eight on-air breaks per hour.

When the client unveiled the lunch for staff and crew, I opted for some watermelon and a thick slice of homegrown-fresh from the garden tomato. It was an amazing tomato.

The broadcast concluded and it was off to the races. A few necessary errands and some urgent production work back at the studio took precedence over lunch time. I was incensed at a request by a colleague that I voice and produce something with a start date of next week, today--when it clearly could be done tomorrow, when my schedule will be much easier to navigate. It was bad timing. I was hungry, tired and uncharacteristically angry.

"Not happening today" was my short reply to this request. I was a mess at this point.

For many of us in recovery, we make a conscious effort to remain aware of our emotions as well as our physical condition at any given moment. There's even an acronym to help recognize these elements: H.A.L.T.

It stands for: Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired...and if you do, recognize what's happening and by all means, seek support quickly!! When any of these four things are in play, it's very easy to lose the resolve that's carried us so far along this road. I had three of the four letters in full effect.

I typically will text a support buddy first and inquire whether or not they have time for a quick support call. I skipped that considerate formality and immediately hit Life Coach Gerri's number. When she answered, I asked, "Is this a bad time? Do you have a couple minutes?" Luckily for me, it wasn't a bad time and she did.

I explained to her what was going on and how I was feeling. I told her I needed food and sleep as soon as possible. We discussed some options in a very calm and collected way and suddenly, I felt better. 

We talked as I drove to the repair shop to have my front drivers side headlight bulb replaced. I couldn't allow another night to come without it. Three warnings from officers is likely my limit before the faulty headlight starts costing me fines--and I've had three warnings in the last week. I just haven't made time to get it done.

It was fixed. I stopped at the Mexican place close to my house, picked up my inexpensive lunch--or by this time, you could call it dinner--and finally headed home.

I prepared the steak fajita tacos the way I like them and enjoyed every bite. I allowed them to settle for about a half hour, then grabbed what turned out to be an hour nap before heading out for invited dress rehearsal for the play I'm doing. Sleeping after a meal might not be the best strategy--but for me, today--uh, yeah...it was happening.

The support call, the food, the nap--it all came together, and by the time I made it to the theater, I felt really well. On the fifteen minute drive over, I participated on a support call with a private one-on-one client of mine who is doing incredible things--and that felt good, too.

I made it into the theater and upstairs to the green room--and suddenly, I was able to take a deep breath--relax and get into character. This schedule is a little much. BUT--I'm loving it for all the joy it brings. It truly makes me happy to be a part of such a wonderful production.

Oh--and what about that weigh-in this morning? 
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A two pound gain. Well, actually a 1.6 pound gain to be exact. I don't think it would be honest to say this didn't contribute to my chaos of today. It did affect me. I've been spoiled with consistent losses from the very beginning of my turnaround from relapse/regain--so this wasn't expected. I'm in maintenance mode--so the goal isn't to lose more weight, right? I need to remember this. My support group members were quick to offer me some proper perspective--and I quickly got over myself. 

The fact of the matter is, I've only had about four intentional workouts in the last two weeks. I've allowed that out of consideration of my temporarily self-imposed schedule. And I've increased my calories by 100 per day--and I'm obviously not getting enough sleep (thank goodness for naps--couldn't do this without them). I believe all of these things combined to give me the number I found staring back at me today. And what a nice number it was: 230.0 on the nose! 

My plan moving forward for the next three weeks is to leave the calorie budget at 1800 and get back to my usual six intentional workouts per week, and get more sleep. Basically--the fundamental elements will not change.

I made it today, with a little help from my friends. I maintained the integrity of my calorie budget and my abstinence from refined sugar is as solid as ever. I didn't eat my feelings and frustrations. I stayed the course and found the light by the end of the day.

I suppose I need a day like today, every now and then...if only to exercise the kind of actions required for the long term recovery and maintenance I hope and pray for each day.

My Tweets Today:

























By the way--if you're local to my area, Dog Sees God-Confessions of A Teenage Blockhead opens Thursday night July 16th at 8pm in the Wilkin Theater, Wilkin Hall on the campus of Northern Oklahoma College in Tonkawa. Weekend performances will be 8pm Friday, 8pm Saturday and two performances on Sunday--2pm and 8pm. I hope you'll make it to this powerful production! It's the Peanuts gang as seniors in high school, facing all of the issues that many teens and young adults face in today's world. It's rated NC-17 for mature content and language. I play the character of Van, a teenage version of Linus, CB's best friend.

Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
di
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